this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
