Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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