I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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