onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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