I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
