Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
