Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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