Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
