guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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