Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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