sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
