Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
