I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize