I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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