Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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