a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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