Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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