This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
