is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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