I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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