yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
