I just cut my nipple shaving
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
