So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize