paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
