five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
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and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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