I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
