did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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