Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
