Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
