Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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