god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize