I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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