I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
