Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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