I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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