nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.