she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
