I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
