Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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