i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
