I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
