Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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