I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
