A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
