If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
