she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
