My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
