I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
