meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
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Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
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I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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