My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
