thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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