My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Two words: blizzard sex
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
