I wish I could teleport
Please, let me fuck your mom
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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