Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
